i would hate going around knowing everybody's lives are miserable. when i have a bad day, yes, i sometimes want people to ask me about it, but i DON'T want everybody and his/her mother to go up to me and be like, "you don't seem that happy." i don't want to bring these things into daily life, because they're not ABOUT daily life. they're about stupid things, and stupid people, and if i have a problem i don't want to seem like i have a problem.
so that's not really fair, you see? nobody wants to let it seem like his or her life is less than perfect, because that can both come across as crying for attention or being compromised.
who wants to be seen as weak?
no, i don't want people to think my life is perfect. but i don't want them to think that my life is anything but, either; i don't want people to look at me and go, "her parents are divorced, she hasn't seen her mom's side of the family (excluding mom) since 5th grade, her grandfather died and she doesn't give a shit, she doesn't understand the magnitude of $2500 and is worried about it, and too many small things have holds on her life."
i don't want that. i would rather be NORMAL. and normal people are just NORMAL. they don't act like their lives have to be perfect, you know?
it's just... what we do.
what else would we do?
you connect with people as you find out who they are.
i guess this isn't true for you, but i don't really like knowing other people's problems most of the time, if they're not especially close to me. i don't like feeling obligated to care or emote or whatever, i don't want to realize how petty we all are OR have to see someone else in a different light because they're supporting so much shit on their shoulders.
i don't know how i am with change, but i know i hate it when my opinions of other people have to change when i find out something about them. like when you find out a person you previously wrote off as stupid or airheaded is actually incredibly serious and most likely going to be more successful than you. or happier than you. or absolutely whatever.
i hate that.
i don't quite like that i do, but i do. what're you gonna do?
(extension: no longer directly associated with michelle)
and i think i'm getting a bit too deep into this now, a bit too close into offensive territory. but whatever. i mean, why do you all CARE so much about this? people being fake, people being perfect - whatever.
...seriously. whatever. you know you have your real friends. so stick with them, because they're awesome (and who else you gonna have?). we're not fake. if you feel fake, stop being fake. it is always that simple. and if people hate who you are on the inside, then go find a new batch of friends. or be a loner. you say being fake and eating with friends is betting than being yourself and eating alone?
then act better so people stop thinking you're fake.
i don't get this. i really don't. and i'll admit, it's not as simple as that. but what is the big freakin' deal? so what if candice or cherise or jennifer get freaky on their weekends and weeknights? it doesn't change who they are. and if it changes your perception of who they are, your perception was flawed, and does it truly matter what they do if you like them anyways?
i like taking pictures of people. i love observing people and i love how those pictures turn out. and then something about kevin huang. i don't know and i don't care and why do you care?
you don't. you don't really give a shit about "who i am," but you gotta realize "who i am" isn't exactly very different from "who i seem to be." i don't think it ever really is.
i don't think we're all being fake. i don't think we seem fake. but most of all, i don't think it should matter whether we do or not. i think we've always realized, from the very beginning, that we aren't exactly all the best of pals. we sit with each other at lunch because that is what we've done for 3+ years. we do it because we need someone to sit with. we do it because we don't want to sit alone.
it's just another social contract, and it means absolutely nothing.
i don't need to talk to you to sit with you at lunch. i don't need to care about you, i don't need to want to invite you to my never-gonna-happen birthday party, i don't even need to pass you by any other time in the day.
maybe the majority of them are fake. maybe they do go wild on weekends. maybe tammy is contemplating suicide, maybe amanda is desperately in love with one of us (or a great castrato singer), maybe christina has a shrine to stalin in her upstairs bathroom.
who gives a shit?
actually, i would about the stalin thing, because that's interesting. and desperate starcrossed lovers are definitely a point of interest.
...but you know what?
like i said, whatever.
we are who we are. i don't want to be known as the girl who eats raw egg yolks in her free time. we do what we do, and we keep our secrets, and we can still find someone worthwhile to talk to during lunch.
open your eyes. or close them tighter.
whatever works for you.
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